Wednesday, 20 January 2016

@Phil Script to Screen: Online Greenlight Review 20/01/2016


  1. OGR 21/01/16

    Hi Danielle,

    You're nearly there, but you're lacking conflict - in other words, a villain! Things would heat up nicely if this was a love triangle - so perhaps the circus ringmaster/freakshow owner is in love with our mermaid - or rather we know his intentions towards her are 'dishonorable'. You know, even as I write this, a much darker scenario presents itself - a revenge scenario. So, I think you need to establish that the mermaid is a new attraction, so her arrival in the circus is the 'inciting incident'. You could do this easily by beginning your film with a tracking shot across various posters introducing the characters, so a poster showing the ringmaster, another poster showing the freak show, including an image of the tattoo man and his incredible living tattoos - and then a poster announcing the arrival of a new exhibit, 'The Little Mermaid'. So, we're shown the tattoo guy's act, and then we meet the mermaid - their eyes meet, of course, but we see that the ring master also has eyes for the mermaid etc. Anyway, things move on a bit, and the tattoo artist and the mermaid are clearly in love - and plan to run away; and they'll do this by the tattoo artist drawing her legs etc. The ring master overhears their plan somehow and does something terrible; just as the tattoo artist goes to her bowl to give her legs, he finds the glass broken and his love dead... The circus master is responsible - we see the tattoo artist's expression darken...

    At the end of the film, we see more posters - the ringmaster is now the tattoo man, and another poster introduces the circus's latest freak - 'The Human Snake' (or human pig, or something equally monstrous' - and then we see the former ring-master, now some monstrosity transformed by the brush of the tattoo artist...

    Okay, so it's not a very nice ending, but I would say that your previous treatment was missing some conflict and some energy; it was a case of boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy and girl drive off into the sunset.

    I'm not committing you to a 'revenge story', but I would suggest that making the ring master (or a third party) into an obstacle for the lovers is going to create more story sparks - and I would say too that there's something about the freakshow setting that just feels as if things could get a little bit more macabre... let me know what you think!

    1. Hi Phil! Thank you I really like the idea of having a villain in the story! I'll try a more darker route into my story, maybe the ringmaster could cut off her tail/legs so she has/had no chance of walking or swimming again whether she's dead or alive? I do think that the dark scenario does need a darker story :)